[ It was worth pointing out- god knows he's aware enough to know that he'd let out that room of the Grey Room for a "friend" of John's without little question.]
Not really the same when I don't end up falling in love that much to begin with. I flirt and fuck more than anything.
[ And he sort of wishes it stayed that way throughout his entire time being here. Even if he still deeply misses Alec and is still carrying that heartache with him. A heartache which is hurting a lot more than normal as of late.
Slowing with the carving, his expression changes then — softens some as he watches the way the knife moves through the pumpkin. ]
I don't think I should be with you or Nate. Romantically or whatever.
You say that like it's a common occurrence here for me. You. Magnus. Nate. Do not act as if every soul I bring into my bed is the same as you, John. Do not act as if I do not put you first. Do not act as if I've not given a part of myself to that is close to anything else someone can touch.
[ He pointed out with a little cut in that voice- the prince of old rearing its head for a moment in his tone. John was someone Caliban threw himself into the wall that was around the boy's heart again, and again, and again.
There's a blink at those next words because Caliban might as well be that pumpkin now and Caliban brushes his tongue along his lower lip before he glances away. A thousand things well up in his throat and die on his tongue.]
I see. Do you wish to break the contract? [ It was worth asking, anyway.] Or do you wish to keep it and simply not...indulge in such areas?
[ He doesn't bother to look up as he keeps carving. ]
I'm like the very thing I manipulate: unpredictable. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I want the relationship shit and other times I don't. I go back and forth. Not knowing which one is the one I want. It just feels like a lot of push and pull on my end when everyone else is all peachy keen with whatever shit they have with others. So it's better if you're with someone who's more stable in that regard. That's the kind thing to do, isn't it?
You're aware we've been down this road before. It was well-worn by this point- you say such things and I always come back with the answer that it's not about kindness. And my desire for you doesn't wax and wane when such things are hard.
[ He point out as he stands up to push away from the chair to fold his arms over his chest with a little bite of his cheek.]
You often feel like you're not some perfect ideal because you do not make it easy at times to be with. A fact which has never mattered-
But if you truly desire such an outcome... [ He's not exactly *not* hurt or happy about it, not when it's so close to the last time he lost another love.] As always- it is on your terms to do so.
[ There's a part of John every now and then that rears its fiery head from the depths of his mind and whispers all sorts of doubts to him. It's hard not to listen — not to entertain any of those whispers when it's just you and you alone. Whispers that dare him to see for himself how right they are and when he takes those whispers up on that dare, it ends up being like this.
With Caliban having someone else he can claim to love here, he figures this time, the whispers are right. That this time, when he puts that distance between them, it'll stay. He stands and John waits for Caliban to agree, but. Like always, he's not the one to pull away and it leaves John staring at the crooked mouth on his pumpkin he's stopped carving, knife still in the mouth.
Like always, he feels torn — confused and it's in that moment of uncertainty that the knife slips and cuts his finger, a little deep, given how sharp the knife is, but nothing being severed off unexpectedly. Blood does, however, drip onto the pumpkin's mouth, the mutant's hand, and on the table, and if he weren't so startled with the fact that he'd cut himself, he might think it funny how it looks like the pumpkin just bit him with the blood in its mouth now. ]
[ He wasn't exactly expecting the other to cut himself and it rather throws the demon off the conversation. He's not exactly squeamish at the sight of it - considering his past- as it drips down the other hand and onto the table, or over that grinning monstrosity that the other had carved up. ]
John... [ There's concern in his voice as he moves forward without really thinking and a hand moves to cup John's to inspect the wound without bothering to care as his own fingers get bloody for the moment as he does.]
Are you trying to cast blood magic to summon your creature to life?
[ Caliban murmured, even it if lacked his usual joking undertone as he glanced up at John with a little flick of his eyes.]
Shall I find a bandage or do you wish for me to just heal it? I'm aware they say scars are sexy but I'm not sure your finger counts- my-..John.
[ For a long moment, all he can do is stare at the red dripping from the gash there on his finger. Blood. His blood and it's enough to remind him of the last time he'd seen his blood. When that sentinel had skewered him through the chest and he'd bled out — had seen his blood like that for the first time. A trauma he still carries with him — still tries to run away from and it has him just staring at his finger and his blood for a long moment, not even registering anything that Caliban's saying before he finally feels the other's fingers around his own.
Eyes wild — panicked almost, he looks up to the demon and blinks a few times before his expression changes — his face scrunches up and he closes his eyes as his head dips, fingers of his other hand just barely holding the knife that rests in the pumpkin's mouth. ]
[ There might be times when Caliban fails to understand mortals- when their lifespan is so quick and their emotions so bright that he misses certain things.
But this was a little had to miss when it came to John- the way those wide eyes seemed to get lost in the blood, the way he seemed to miss every single one of his words.
His eyebrows furrow together again for the umpteenth time tonight as he goes ahead and makes a choice for John. Easily just wiggled his fingers to let his infernal magic burn over the other wound and close it up- a little showy but painless all the same.
His other hand was going to reach down to John's other one to take a little stronger hold of that knife.]
It is quite all right.
[ He said simply, soflty as he moves the knife to the table. Blade away from them both.]
[ It's not is what he wants to say, but all he can do is stare to his finger that no longer bleeds — that magic fire had brushed over and cleansed of the gash and the wound that had suddenly left him speechless.
Letting the demon take the knife and set it properly to the table, he finally looks up then before he looks down to their fingers, murmuring softly. ]
I'll remind you of that if you ever put me in a summoning circle for banishment.
[ He pointed out drying as the other wrapped that hand around his neck and he leaned into that touch- his bright eyes meeting John's at those words because- well, it's whiplash buts still.]
You know how greedy you was the thing that I adored about you first.
[ Fingers warm and gentle there against the demon's neck, blue-gray eyes soften some — hold a disappointment within them, though it's more directed at himself rather than Caliban. ]
I hate when I get this way. When I get into... these moods.
[ And he makes life difficult for all those around him. Namely, the few who stay with him. Two years and he still struggles with it. Sometimes he thinks he's getting better with it and, other times, he feels as if he's right back where he started — wanting to runaway and burn everything and everyone around him until it's just him.
Pressing his forehead to Caliban's, he looks down between them, quiet for a moment. ]
I don't know if I can ask you to be patient with me when I'm like this — when I'm worse than this. I regret the times I've done it to Alec. To you. But in the moment, it's like I just can't stop. Like I'm a wildfire that doesn't want to be put out.
[ Lifting his gaze to meet the demon's, forehead still pressed to his, he looks to him. ]
I don't think words help but... maybe if I could feel it. Maybe if I... felt you or what you felt for me... somehow. Maybe it would help keep me from getting that way.
[ Caliban just takes a breath as the other presses his head against him like that- because the other wasn't wrong. It wasn't always easy to weather the storm when John let those thoughts and moods creep up on him- when he started acting on whatever inner voice seemed to deem true.
But he let the mutant speak, to get out all those thoughts he might have in the moment to fill the space between them. His eyebrows do arch up slightly at the mention of feeling what he felt for John- of sharing those emotions between them. ]
That's a simple enough spell... are you sure you wish that? [ Because it's not like Caliban *didn't* have darkness inside him. And such a spells weren't cut and dry all the time when it came to what particular feelings you were trying to summon up.]
And, I'm aware you can't stop-...but we've always done this on your terms, on your rules. It's literally in the contract. So...it makes it hard to know if it's your...mood or if it's what you wish with clarity.
[ Pulling back enough to look up to the demon there so close to him, fingers still held with his own, those blue-gray eyes of his slowly blink as he stares to the demon. To his dominant. To this partner of his he's known for almost two years now. How in the hell did time go by as much as it has? ]
[ He pointed out with a little bite of his cheek. If this was something that could help John.. mitigate some of his feelings. Shouldn't he just step up and do it- regardless of the risks of what the other might find in his soul?]
I am a demon after all- and while my love for you isn't in doubt. The way I see the would is still...different from yours.
[ He pointed out softly as he reached his free hand up to cup the other's neck before he spoke again-]
But if you think this is what will help- we can certainly try.
I don't want to feel everything that you do. I just want to feel what you feel for me.
[ To have some sort of empathy bond with him... that's not what he wants. He knows Nate had something like that with Nick and is now dealing with the loss of that when having always had him there to be felt. John doesn't want that — doesn't want to constantly be connected to another like that. With how unpredictable his moods are, it sounds more like a nightmare than anything else. ]
Or are you afraid it'll make me a demon or something?
[ There's a little click of his tongue as glanced away to let the thought run through his mind. As he settled though athousand years of various spells but his eyes did flick to John a moment later at the question.]
It's less that- and more that you might see the full extent of my...depth. I suppose. I've never hid the way I feel about the mortal world or the plans I had for it. But feeling such a thing would be more intense.
[ There's a beat though.] But I can make you feel what I feel for you. Just that.
[ Something permanent is not... what he's looking for. With anyone, for that matter. Not when his moods are so wild and unpredictable. to constantly or permanently have access to what someone else feels... he's not even sure he would have wanted that with Alec, in all honesty. It's just... too much, he thinks. Liable to complicate things even more than they already are in his head a lot of the time. ]
Magic isn't an exact art- John. Even for me. It could last thirty seconds or an hour, a day at worst.
[ He said simply with a little shrug as he peered down at the other. Since it wasn't a full bond- it was more like opening the window a crack to let the other peek inside.]
[ Magic isn't anything John really has much experience with himself, so. He simply has to take Caliban's word for it. A nod of his head, he looks down and, after a moment, reaches out to take the other's hand. Holding it. ]
You know... [ Looking up, he sighs. ] ...I'll have been here for two years next month.
[ There's a little tilt of his head as the other takes his hand but he returns that squeeze without hesitation.]
Oh? wish to do something to celebrate? Or is it...not a happy milestone? [ Because hey- everything that happened in the city. It's not shocking, really.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He adds, still carving the mouth, it being a little more difficult with the jagged teeth and all. ]
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[ It was worth pointing out- god knows he's aware enough to know that he'd let out that room of the Grey Room for a "friend" of John's without little question.]
It's the nature of the beast.
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[ And he sort of wishes it stayed that way throughout his entire time being here. Even if he still deeply misses Alec and is still carrying that heartache with him. A heartache which is hurting a lot more than normal as of late.
Slowing with the carving, his expression changes then — softens some as he watches the way the knife moves through the pumpkin. ]
I don't think I should be with you or Nate. Romantically or whatever.
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[ He pointed out with a little cut in that voice- the prince of old rearing its head for a moment in his tone. John was someone Caliban threw himself into the wall that was around the boy's heart again, and again, and again.
There's a blink at those next words because Caliban might as well be that pumpkin now and Caliban brushes his tongue along his lower lip before he glances away. A thousand things well up in his throat and die on his tongue.]
I see. Do you wish to break the contract? [ It was worth asking, anyway.] Or do you wish to keep it and simply not...indulge in such areas?
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[ He doesn't bother to look up as he keeps carving. ]
I'm like the very thing I manipulate: unpredictable. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I want the relationship shit and other times I don't. I go back and forth. Not knowing which one is the one I want. It just feels like a lot of push and pull on my end when everyone else is all peachy keen with whatever shit they have with others. So it's better if you're with someone who's more stable in that regard. That's the kind thing to do, isn't it?
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[ at least in his mind it wasn't. ]
You're aware we've been down this road before. It was well-worn by this point- you say such things and I always come back with the answer that it's not about kindness. And my desire for you doesn't wax and wane when such things are hard.
[ He point out as he stands up to push away from the chair to fold his arms over his chest with a little bite of his cheek.]
You often feel like you're not some perfect ideal because you do not make it easy at times to be with. A fact which has never mattered-
But if you truly desire such an outcome... [ He's not exactly *not* hurt or happy about it, not when it's so close to the last time he lost another love.] As always- it is on your terms to do so.
cw: blood and stuff
With Caliban having someone else he can claim to love here, he figures this time, the whispers are right. That this time, when he puts that distance between them, it'll stay. He stands and John waits for Caliban to agree, but. Like always, he's not the one to pull away and it leaves John staring at the crooked mouth on his pumpkin he's stopped carving, knife still in the mouth.
Like always, he feels torn — confused and it's in that moment of uncertainty that the knife slips and cuts his finger, a little deep, given how sharp the knife is, but nothing being severed off unexpectedly. Blood does, however, drip onto the pumpkin's mouth, the mutant's hand, and on the table, and if he weren't so startled with the fact that he'd cut himself, he might think it funny how it looks like the pumpkin just bit him with the blood in its mouth now. ]
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John... [ There's concern in his voice as he moves forward without really thinking and a hand moves to cup John's to inspect the wound without bothering to care as his own fingers get bloody for the moment as he does.]
Are you trying to cast blood magic to summon your creature to life?
[ Caliban murmured, even it if lacked his usual joking undertone as he glanced up at John with a little flick of his eyes.]
Shall I find a bandage or do you wish for me to just heal it? I'm aware they say scars are sexy but I'm not sure your finger counts- my-..John.
cw: death mention
Eyes wild — panicked almost, he looks up to the demon and blinks a few times before his expression changes — his face scrunches up and he closes his eyes as his head dips, fingers of his other hand just barely holding the knife that rests in the pumpkin's mouth. ]
I'm sorry...
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But this was a little had to miss when it came to John- the way those wide eyes seemed to get lost in the blood, the way he seemed to miss every single one of his words.
His eyebrows furrow together again for the umpteenth time tonight as he goes ahead and makes a choice for John. Easily just wiggled his fingers to let his infernal magic burn over the other wound and close it up- a little showy but painless all the same.
His other hand was going to reach down to John's other one to take a little stronger hold of that knife.]
It is quite all right.
[ He said simply, soflty as he moves the knife to the table. Blade away from them both.]
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Letting the demon take the knife and set it properly to the table, he finally looks up then before he looks down to their fingers, murmuring softly. ]
I don't want you to go.
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Because not leaving isn't the same as not being with the other romantically. ]
This is my home, John. As are you. I would not leave.
[ He pointed out softly as a hand went to reach up to cup John's neck before he stopped because- well, blood.]
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You deserve better. Even if you're a demon of Hell.
[ Looking up to the demon, he reaches out and wraps fingers of his other hand around the other's neck. ]
But I'm also fucking greedy.
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[ He pointed out drying as the other wrapped that hand around his neck and he leaned into that touch- his bright eyes meeting John's at those words because- well, it's whiplash buts still.]
You know how greedy you was the thing that I adored about you first.
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I hate when I get this way. When I get into... these moods.
[ And he makes life difficult for all those around him. Namely, the few who stay with him. Two years and he still struggles with it. Sometimes he thinks he's getting better with it and, other times, he feels as if he's right back where he started — wanting to runaway and burn everything and everyone around him until it's just him.
Pressing his forehead to Caliban's, he looks down between them, quiet for a moment. ]
I don't know if I can ask you to be patient with me when I'm like this — when I'm worse than this. I regret the times I've done it to Alec. To you. But in the moment, it's like I just can't stop. Like I'm a wildfire that doesn't want to be put out.
[ Lifting his gaze to meet the demon's, forehead still pressed to his, he looks to him. ]
I don't think words help but... maybe if I could feel it. Maybe if I... felt you or what you felt for me... somehow. Maybe it would help keep me from getting that way.
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But he let the mutant speak, to get out all those thoughts he might have in the moment to fill the space between them. His eyebrows do arch up slightly at the mention of feeling what he felt for John- of sharing those emotions between them. ]
That's a simple enough spell... are you sure you wish that? [ Because it's not like Caliban *didn't* have darkness inside him. And such a spells weren't cut and dry all the time when it came to what particular feelings you were trying to summon up.]
And, I'm aware you can't stop-...but we've always done this on your terms, on your rules. It's literally in the contract. So...it makes it hard to know if it's your...mood or if it's what you wish with clarity.
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You think it's a bad idea?
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[ He pointed out with a little bite of his cheek. If this was something that could help John.. mitigate some of his feelings. Shouldn't he just step up and do it- regardless of the risks of what the other might find in his soul?]
I am a demon after all- and while my love for you isn't in doubt. The way I see the would is still...different from yours.
[ He pointed out softly as he reached his free hand up to cup the other's neck before he spoke again-]
But if you think this is what will help- we can certainly try.
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[ To have some sort of empathy bond with him... that's not what he wants. He knows Nate had something like that with Nick and is now dealing with the loss of that when having always had him there to be felt. John doesn't want that — doesn't want to constantly be connected to another like that. With how unpredictable his moods are, it sounds more like a nightmare than anything else. ]
Or are you afraid it'll make me a demon or something?
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[ There's a little click of his tongue as glanced away to let the thought run through his mind. As he settled though athousand years of various spells but his eyes did flick to John a moment later at the question.]
It's less that- and more that you might see the full extent of my...depth. I suppose. I've never hid the way I feel about the mortal world or the plans I had for it. But feeling such a thing would be more intense.
[ There's a beat though.] But I can make you feel what I feel for you. Just that.
It won't last long however.
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[ Something permanent is not... what he's looking for. With anyone, for that matter. Not when his moods are so wild and unpredictable. to constantly or permanently have access to what someone else feels... he's not even sure he would have wanted that with Alec, in all honesty. It's just... too much, he thinks. Liable to complicate things even more than they already are in his head a lot of the time. ]
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[ He said simply with a little shrug as he peered down at the other. Since it wasn't a full bond- it was more like opening the window a crack to let the other peek inside.]
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You know... [ Looking up, he sighs. ] ...I'll have been here for two years next month.
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Oh? wish to do something to celebrate? Or is it...not a happy milestone? [ Because hey- everything that happened in the city. It's not shocking, really.]
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[ Rubbing the pad of his thumb over the back of Caliban's hand, he looks up to him again. ]
I'm guessing you're happy to be here. Because of what you have to go back to.
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